Saturday, March 26, 2005

transitions...

Time to talk about my new shrink!
She is in my age range, young and sassy and I feel comfortable with her more than my first one. I actually look forward to seeing her even if I have to pay for her services. I little fucked up even in my world. Now you have to pay for somebody to really listen! What has the world come to. But time is money and it takes precious time to listen to a raving lunatic.
She discovered my one true passion. A passion that have stayed loyal to me and have not betrayed me in any way, shape or form. Literally! She asked me to bring my painting portfolio and I did. I expected her to compliment me of course, and compliment me she did. Although from all the compliments and critics I have heard, what she said I have never heard about my work before. She said...

"I love you work! It's colorful, expressive, emotional. But there is nothing here that is about you. It's all about him."

Is that true? Have I lived the last eight years of my life under the shadow of the man I loved and the real me have eluded existance? Was I in denial all this years. Here I am thinking that when I met him I found me and now I am lost becuase I lost him! But I never really had him to begin with. It is a painful thought to hear it with such conviction. She praised me on how tough I am and how I have managed to go on with all the harshness of life that befell me. But why do I feel weak and breaking every moment? Do I live in such a lie that I can't even see truth when it is an ince from my face?
I have stayed steadfast to almost everything I believe in but I find myself questioning even the mere reason of my being.
I am once again in a cocoon of transition hoping to one day wake up as a mariposa.