Wednesday, February 23, 2005

grown up issues...

I have been complaining about all this pain I have been feeling. I got rid of the endometriosis problem by going through surgery and going through an induced menopause for a year. I had other complaints about my neck, shoulders, back, hip, wrist... you name it, it's painful. If you look at me, you won't even guess how much pain I am under and if you hear me complain, you would think that I am a big cry baby because I look normal and most of the time, I look like I am having fun. But at night, when I am lying in bed, I shrivel from all the aches and pains I had to endure the whole day to have a NORMAL day. I have had one test after another, one specialist after another and I finally got a conclusive answer from a rheumatologist about my condition. By no means does it put things into perspective because like all things medical, there is no REAL explanation. All I know is that my pain is REAL and there is finally a name for it.
Of course all this felt stupid when I found out that a dear friend whose name I cannot mention (because of a desire to be private about it) is suffering with Non-Hodgkins. It is very serious form of cancer and all I can think of is what a fucking ass am I for complaining on my chronic but NOT acute condition. Whose situation is worst? Who's luckier, me or my friend? I guess you can't really compare it. Although you can't die from what I have, there is no cure either while my dear friend's condition... Ah, too morbid to even consider... but I know my friend... I know that my friend can overcome this!
My dear, if you are reading this. I don't mean to be insensitive, I don't mean to compare. In fact, all I wish is for you to get better and live the life you so deserve, with your family and with your friends.
Life has an odd way of turning... who knew back then when we were just silly teenagers with stupid problems would now have this health issues that affect the rest of our lives, so much so that we have to search for answers. Answers that might not even be there...
I love you my dear...