Friday, December 03, 2004

on the verge of...

Sometimes I don't know what the fuck I am thinking! Every single nice thing I do, turns around and bite me where it really hurts.
A month or so ago, my almost ex went through his emotional stage and was just all freaked out about the divorce and heard me over the phone talking to a friend about a guy I was kinda seeing. This brought upon major turmoil and breakdown and he manifested actions I have never seen him do. I never knew he could hurt that way, I never thought I could ever bring tears in his eyes. I didn't think I was that important to him. He has taken me for granted for so long that I didn't think it would make a difference anyway. One day, he threatened to look for the guy and inflict physical pain on him. I kinda panicked eventhough I know it will never happen. I eased up his mind a little bit by talking to him and reassuring him that what hurt him wasn't true. That same day, I was making a model at work and my boss made a comment that my time was too precious to be making models, I could be designing more stuff than spend my time cutting cardboard, so he asked if we knew anyone who could make it for us. The idea lit a lightbulb in my head! Gene makes good car models and we have built a couple of architectural models as well. So I e-mailed my boss and asked him if he wouldn't mind my husband doing it. I even negotiated the hourly rate and got him a good one. I was thinking, spread the wealth and then he could have a preview on how my daily life is and understand the kind of stress I get from work. That went well... almost too well. He is now the unofficial "official" model maker for the company! That's great, right? Well, yes... except now --- after dropping my married name and going back to my maiden name and TRYING to start over as that unmarried lady... I let him in my NEW world and now I am that girl married to the model maker. He knows more people in the company more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for him and he is now helping pay for left over common expenses. But my selfish part nags me about some other potential girl ripping up all the benefits that I have shared with him. Also, the thought came to mind that, I should have just stayed married and done this and things would have worked out. Then, I would start thinking ---- what if the financial was just a small problem compared to all the other problems. And then... another thought --- but what relationship doesn't have problems?
Should love really conquer all?
I am just really broken inside and I need to heal. In a different universe, I would think that after healing he would be there waiting, being the better person that I always knew he can be. But what the fuck? In reality, people move on. He will move on and I probably will too. But right now, tears are flowing and I am wishing that it's not hurting the way it is. I wish I could completely disappear from everyone I know and not be reminded of all my pain. No amount of western medicine can take it away right now...
Time will heal all wounds...