Monday, October 11, 2004

why?...

Why haven’t I blogged lately? When there is so much happening in my social life and so many fun stuff being had? Why? Is it not worth blogging meeting all these people and going to all these places? Is acquiring a new sport insignificant? Is my work so mundane I have nothing to say about it?

Maybe.

Or maybe, there are things going on in my head that I don’t feel like sharing. I haven’t really even discussed it with anyone, let alone people whom I don’t know. I even refuse to discuss it in my own mind.

Matters of the heart are sometimes better left alone to maturity. Our emotions would make us do things out of the ordinary only to realize the next day that you didn’t want to deal with the repercussions of what your heart made you do.

Why did I call this blog lost angel in LA? Because that’s what I have become, lost. My innocence - lost, my capacity to love – lost, my capacity to open up my heart – lost, my soul – lost. I am giving in to carnal pleasures and to put it in retrospect, I am not letting anything soaked in more than skin deep. My tears don’t mean much anymore, just a surge of uncontrollable hormones. I am callous, bitter and damned.

The happenings in my insignificant life have become so desperately underwhelming that at night I stare at the ceiling questioning myself… what has become of my dreams? I am torn apart, broken and LOST forever.

Nothing seems to matter to me right now. Not my career, not all the non-sense good times I participate in. But they are not really non-sense. I am doing everything I wanted to be doing, I am just not doing it with the person I have always wanted to do them with. I am glad that I am improving my relationship with my sisters and my friends but who am I kidding, when they go out on dates and I am left alone… I keep on thinking, this was the least of my concerns in the past. It was always nice to go home to someone you love.