Friday, October 15, 2004

how lost am i?


nude 001, 9/9/04 - oil on 8" x 10" canvas

There are a lot of things happening in my life and although I sound like a manic depress, psychotic b-atch... I am actually very normal and fully functioning human being. I sometimes dramatize my insane emotions but that's just how I am. It gives my life poetry and meaning. I know exactly who I am and I usually never need approval of people around me. I am content to what I have become even if I have regrets on how I have handled my financial existance.

My being LOST is insignificant in my daily existance. I have LOST my innocence, the simplicity of my beliefs. I have found life to be more complex than my sheltered life in the Philippines where in I thought I knew it all and yet I didn't. I simply know what was around me and that I could manipulate it to my liking. Now that have joined the real world of adults and have outgrown my teenage angst and have stopped rebelling against what I know is right but was too high-strung to admit it... I have lost the shame in admitting that I am vulnerable and intolerable at the same time. I have come to realize that I am responsible for my own actions and that if I am not careful that I will suffer the consequences of my decisions and that there is no way around it. I know now that I cannot control my environment and the people in it but instead, I need to work around it... The definitive nature of being lost and being found again is the evolution of my grown up life into something more meaningful and extraordinary through my very own definition. That I still strive to become...
In my quiet moments... I now that where I am is where I want to be and I will have it no other way.
In the lighter side... I have dubbled on oil again and witness the beginning of the new series of work I am exploring....