Friday, October 15, 2004

how lost am i?


nude 001, 9/9/04 - oil on 8" x 10" canvas

There are a lot of things happening in my life and although I sound like a manic depress, psychotic b-atch... I am actually very normal and fully functioning human being. I sometimes dramatize my insane emotions but that's just how I am. It gives my life poetry and meaning. I know exactly who I am and I usually never need approval of people around me. I am content to what I have become even if I have regrets on how I have handled my financial existance.

My being LOST is insignificant in my daily existance. I have LOST my innocence, the simplicity of my beliefs. I have found life to be more complex than my sheltered life in the Philippines where in I thought I knew it all and yet I didn't. I simply know what was around me and that I could manipulate it to my liking. Now that have joined the real world of adults and have outgrown my teenage angst and have stopped rebelling against what I know is right but was too high-strung to admit it... I have lost the shame in admitting that I am vulnerable and intolerable at the same time. I have come to realize that I am responsible for my own actions and that if I am not careful that I will suffer the consequences of my decisions and that there is no way around it. I know now that I cannot control my environment and the people in it but instead, I need to work around it... The definitive nature of being lost and being found again is the evolution of my grown up life into something more meaningful and extraordinary through my very own definition. That I still strive to become...
In my quiet moments... I now that where I am is where I want to be and I will have it no other way.
In the lighter side... I have dubbled on oil again and witness the beginning of the new series of work I am exploring....

Monday, October 11, 2004

why?...

Why haven’t I blogged lately? When there is so much happening in my social life and so many fun stuff being had? Why? Is it not worth blogging meeting all these people and going to all these places? Is acquiring a new sport insignificant? Is my work so mundane I have nothing to say about it?

Maybe.

Or maybe, there are things going on in my head that I don’t feel like sharing. I haven’t really even discussed it with anyone, let alone people whom I don’t know. I even refuse to discuss it in my own mind.

Matters of the heart are sometimes better left alone to maturity. Our emotions would make us do things out of the ordinary only to realize the next day that you didn’t want to deal with the repercussions of what your heart made you do.

Why did I call this blog lost angel in LA? Because that’s what I have become, lost. My innocence - lost, my capacity to love – lost, my capacity to open up my heart – lost, my soul – lost. I am giving in to carnal pleasures and to put it in retrospect, I am not letting anything soaked in more than skin deep. My tears don’t mean much anymore, just a surge of uncontrollable hormones. I am callous, bitter and damned.

The happenings in my insignificant life have become so desperately underwhelming that at night I stare at the ceiling questioning myself… what has become of my dreams? I am torn apart, broken and LOST forever.

Nothing seems to matter to me right now. Not my career, not all the non-sense good times I participate in. But they are not really non-sense. I am doing everything I wanted to be doing, I am just not doing it with the person I have always wanted to do them with. I am glad that I am improving my relationship with my sisters and my friends but who am I kidding, when they go out on dates and I am left alone… I keep on thinking, this was the least of my concerns in the past. It was always nice to go home to someone you love.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

in preparation for the madwolf


the 75'-0" wall in Gameworks, Las Vegas NV

they do not allow chalk bags!!! can you believe that?

trying to rest... I've never climb this high!

that's Chi on the right side...

Michelle is moving to CO next month and judging from the regimen she put Melissa... I am in trouble. I have completed a course in Fighting Gravity One at Rockreation and have gone climbing every other day before the weekend I went to Vegas with Chi to see her boyfriend. Perfect opportunity to try out the 5-story high freestanding climbing wall! The highest wall in Rockreation is only 30'-0" and the Gameworks wall is 75'-0"!!! Worst of all, they do not allow the use of chalks! I started out strong but my sweaty palms didn't do me any good. I won't even say what happened afterwards. I just know that I shall return to Vegas very soon and recover form my self-embarassment...
I would need some patience Michelle...