Wednesday, August 11, 2004

more tragedies in my little life's journey...

I am just at a lost for words to describe what an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks have been. And I always make a mistake of wishing for something tragic and I have to remind myself to “be careful what I wish for, because it just might come true!” I just wish that I would feel more hurt from somebody else than from my almost ex-husband so that I could forget how hurt I am with him… and BOOM! It hits me like a .45 caliber right on my fucking heart.

So should I start my story with the tragic or the more tragic? I guess I just have to leave the judgment to who ever is left reading my melodrama.

I really believed for a moment that this divorce was going to go smoothly. Boy, was I wrong? I was being generous and having him stay in my apartment until he finds his own place. I squat at my sister’s to avoid conflict with him. Whenever I see him when I get things from my apartment, we are polite and we even try to talk like we are actually really friends. I sometimes ask him for simple favors. Before the incident happen, I was starting to miss him and I was having this urge to see him and I thought it was because I wanted to be with him, the weird thing is --- when I do see him, I cringe! I couldn’t understand myself. I was confused. Then, last weekend… I went by my apartment to use the computer and low and behold, there was a girl sitting on my couch beside him! I said hi and went straight to the bedroom. I was convincing myself that it was okay because I am also seeing somebody else and that’s what happens when you file for divorce, you are suppose to move on. But the thing that irritates me is not my jealousy. I realized that wanting to see him was my intuition telling me something is not right. As I have often caught him in the past whenever I follow my strong urges, by my mere intuition. A few minutes passed and he followed me to the bedroom, I very calmly said that it is not cool to bring a girl in my apartment. I don’t care if he have moved on but not in my apartment. I thought my request was pretty fair. He left me in the bedroom and went back to the living room where he and the girl were watching a movie (on my couch, from my TV with my DVD player!) I started feeling sharp pains in my chest, so to not make a scene and embarrass him in front of his date, I called him on his cell phone even if I was just in the next room. I told him that my blood is starting to boil and that they should leave, NOW. Instead of leaving, he went to the bedroom again and told me that this is what I wanted, that I filed for divorce and that I said it is okay to have a girlfriend. I reminded him that the issue is that they are at my apartment and that I deserve that much respect. We were beginning to argue so I went to the living room where the girl was and told her what he was all about. He was pushing me to the door and telling me to leave and I refused and insisted that they should be the one to leave. The young girl was beyond herself and didn’t know what to do. He was offering to take her home and she was starting to get hysterical. I told her more stuff that she should know about and at that point, the guy who used to be my husband grabbed me by the neck, pushed me down the couch, placed a pillow on top of my head and begun choking me! The girl went outside the balcony instead of calling 911. He kept on choking me while I try to push him off and kick him and while choking me, he kept on saying “you are gonna fucking pay bitch!.” I eventually ran out of energy and stopped struggling. I was so petrified I thought I was going to die. He finally stopped choking me, got the girl and told her “don’t listen to that psycho bitch, we are divorced and she shouldn’t even be here” and while they walk out, he told me “you ruined my chances with this girl, now you are going to fucking pay bitch for the next 3-4 years of your life.” I sat there, completely shocked at what just happened. Seven years of my life I gave to this guy and this is what I got in return! I gathered all my strength and got his clothes out of my closet into the living room. I would have done worst if my Aunt did not try to pacify me and convince me to leave the apartment that moment. I did and when I got back to my sister’s house, he was calling. I didn’t pick up his call. I woke up the next morning because my phone kept on ringing, when I saw that it was him calling, I ignored it once again. He left a message with more threats. At that point I called the police and filed a police report. Of course, when they went to him, he said a completely different story. The law is so unfair, because the cops were telling me that we both could go to jail for what happened. Him for laying hands on me, me for laying hands on his stuff. Whatever! I trust that God and the Law will give me some justice in the end. If not… well, there is justice in the next life! This is unfortunate but at the same token, it really opened my eyes now. It took this kind of violation towards my humanity to make me realize that this person never loved me, he just used me to survive for seven years. It is not even possible to be friends with this person. He is an embodiment of evil!

I was dating this guy ever since my whole divorce started. I met him in a club when we were dancing. It was an instant chemistry. When we went out for dinner, I told him that I am still trying to get out of my marriage and didn’t really desire a relationship with another but that I would like to see him every so often and just have fun together, no strings attach, no commitment. I figured it was the right thing to do because I am such an emotional wreck, I don’t want anybody to undergo all my maladies with me. I didn’t think it was fair to me or him. But we have fun together and he is a great guy. I do notice that I refuse to get into intellectual or deep conversations with him and I think part of it was because I didn’t want it to go any further emotionally. He was there before my surgery and he checked up on me after my surgery. I actually really liked this guy. Given a different scenario, I think we could have had a relationship. Anyway, I was suppose to go to dinner with him yesterday but when he said that he was available this weekend, I jumped the opportunity and said let’s go dancing (not knowing if my post op body could even handle it). I was just ready to move on especially after the violence I experienced. I noticed a hesitation from his voice and he said he’ll call me later to confirm. Well, today he called me and told me he met somebody that he thinks he wants to have a relationship with and that he felt he ought to tell me because he was a little confused and that he didn’t want to hurt anybody. My heart tumbled and fell. I was hurt but impressed at the same time. I almost envied the lady that he was willing to be monogamous with. I wished I was her. How wonderful it would be to be revered by a man that way. I told him that our friendship is more important than the physical chemistry we had. After all, I don’t often meet decent men who would give up no strings attached sex to have a relationship. Chivalry is not dead and it is very much alive in young, eligible, hot bachelors like him. Why I meet them at the wrong time, beats me… Unfortunately, I still have my moral values and I would not compromise my friend’s desire to have a normal relationship for my own selfish needs. My time will come when I am ready to open my heart again. I know I have a good caring heart still beneath all the rubbles of my broken marriage. We ended the phone call with a promise to be good friends. I sure hope we keep that promise because he is someone I have grown to respect. He epitomizes my freedom and have given me back all the confidence that was robbed from me by my ex. Because of this special friend, I can look at the mirror and see a beautiful woman who is ready to swim out of the sea of despair.
Good luck my friend, I hope you have found HER!

As for me, my journey continues…