Saturday, August 21, 2004

from ragga-hop to AVP

Fun-filled is the only word that comes to mind. I am definitely making one commitment, to fill my days with activities that generates nothing but F.U.N (Fuckin' Unbelievable/Uninhibited eNjoyment!!!) Not very easy with my physical, mental and emotional state... but most definitely --- attainable!
Thursday was spent accompanying Chi in one of her service calls in Bakersfield (if you don't know where that is, don't worry - you are not missing anything), I was mostly just in the car (highly comparable to being in a steam room) waiting for her, reading a book recommended by her - Sex and the Single Girl by Helen Gurley Brown. I had to be useful and drive us home after her work... took a nap and woke up just in time to go to Temple Bar to check out this new Ragga-Hop artist Triniti who was hot hot hot I must say! It was a twist between Reggae and Hip-Hop and she gave it her own flavor. She could definitely make it commercially. The dinner we ordered was quite intriguing as well. We had a plantain quesadilla with chicken served with carribean jerk sauce. Truly islandish.
Friday was spent meeting up with friends. Lunch with ex and future (in about a week) co-worker - Tony, coffee with my favorite ex-design teammates David & Jenny with Jenny's husband Kurtis and their second son Jasper after a visit at the "stuck in a time warp" office (where David's been in the last 12 years!). It was great seeing all of them again. Jenny seem so happy and she looks the same as before she got married. I miss her alot but being a mother (a full time one at that), doesn't give her enough time to maintain the friendship with a soon-to-be- divorced, almost-single, always-been-kinda- psychotic friend like me! She's with the Oprah-watching crowd of stay-at-home-Moms-well-supported-by-career-driven-husbands. What a trip that was to reminisce her less than psychotic post divorce singleness when we spebnt every single working days together. When they dropped me home after an afternoon of organic coffee and desserts --- sooo L.A. according to O.C. folks like them, Chi was doing some house chores. I made dinner while I share to my dear sister the craziness of my pre-menopausal day dealing with medical insurance bullshit (playing phone tag with insurance, pharmacy and doctor), Momma-drama, and scheduling of my first day of employment... We decided to just see a movie instead of going to a dance club. It was a choice between "What the bleep! Do we know?" (which was so highly recommended), Little Black Book, and a last and unexpected contender "Alien Vs. Predator"... And most unexpectedly we ended up with the latter. Now I don't know if I am so shallow with movie critiquing or because I was so skeptical about it, it exceeded all my expectations but I actually thought it was good! I even wanted to rent all the Alien & Predator movies after seeing it, just to get a better sense of how it all started. Oh, but we ended up going home and finishing up with chores...
I did have fun and will have more later today when we go to the KCRW Post-Drive Picnic for the volunteers.
I am both scared and excited to go back to work. I might end up starting on the 30th of August, Monday just to get a paycheck going (and be part of society again)... It will all depend on how my body will react to the Lupron shot next week.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

playing Mom...

Monday and Tuesday has been a learning experience. Now, I am question whether my plans to be a single Mom to give my reproductive capacity a once over after my forced menopause is a plausible idea. I always thought it would be such a waste if I never have children. I mean, I am great with kids! I can make any kids feel comfortable with me in about 2 minutes. I have taught art before and all the kids loved me and followed my instructions without ever questioning my authority. I have always been proud when I babysat my 2 unruly nephews without TV and video games and they didn't misbehave even once.
I had to run errands and drive my sister Jhosel to work (she sprained her ankle while on her NYC vacation) while I have my niece Dynn and my Lola with me. I just started driving again and because I can't take meds when I drive, it was fucking painful! I had to do it to start getting back to the swing of things, of course this also meant that I bleed from the pain everyday. Not fun but gotta get back to the swing of things. The last thing I need when I go back to work is SYSTEM SHOCK! I have been off work for almost two months now and it is a task to simply avoid losing my mind. I remembered 4 years ago when I was on disability for 2 months, I lost my mind the first month and worked on getting it back the second month. Thankfully, I learned from that fiasco and avoided losing the green matter this time around. I have managed to be productive (reading books instead of watching TV) this time around.
Well, playing Mommy made me realize that there is so much more to it than I thought. She is so adorable though and very impressionable... I have to watch my every move and my every word, can't have my usual sailor's mouth. It was hard, probably one of the hardest things I have done. I can't even imagine how single parents do it. It is the hardest job in the world.
Will I ever be really fit to be a mother? Maybe that's why I am reproductively challenged! Yikes!

Sunday, August 15, 2004

crazy life of the peace train...

Catchy title? Sure is... Sunday was unbelievable.
Chi and I got up eatly and decided we will be good girls and went to church early. Now, I remebered why I like being Catholic. See, I have attended several different Christian churches with different denominations because I fail to see the difference when you are all worshipping one God. Anyway, religion is beside the point here. I just want to say that when going to a Catholic church, you can be as anonymous as you want without any pressures to participate. I like that, specially after feeling invaded be very religious Christians who cannot tell the difference between being helpful and being invasive of your privacy. Enough digression with religion. I liked that my sister and I went to church and the message was... "It is great to have goals, ambitions, dreams but your ultimate goal should be HEAVEN!" I was touched. Not to mention, the priest was this Jamaican sounding man who dance while he walks. He is the epitome of peace.
We went get lunch from our favorite Mexican joint, Chipotle. Take-out for the whole family, although it's not complete without Mother who is on vacation with step-Dad in Vancouver to go crab fishing... uuuhhhmmm. Took a nap after the yummy burrito bowls and then took Lola (Grand Ma) and Dynn to the Getty. That was purely amazing. Perfect timing!!!
Sharon Katz & The Peace Train was playing a free concert at the Garden at the Getty. Wow! The Getty even provided blankets to lay on the grass and umbrellas for those afraid of the sun. How cool is that? I was having a blast. I wanted so much to go dancing this weekend and as always I got my wish come true. Different scenario as I wished for but still freakin' amazing. I was able to wiggle and shake my tush even if it was killing me. I figured I have to train myself to be limber again if I don't want to stiffen my organs and muscles post op. I was also playing Mommy No. 2 to Dynn who was being very toddlerish (for a lack of better term on her behavior!) and finicky. She was running, rolling on the grass, dancing, screaming her lungs out and playing sensitive little girl who would lay on her tummy on the grass pretending she fell and then fake some tears. Ayayayayay. Anyway, I had so much fun and I bought the CD. Sharon Katz is this amazing South African who plays ethnic tunes with dance hall and reggae influence and supports several meaningful organizations. Her dancers were also fascinating and they even showed off the other dancer doing a limbo rack! Oh boy, did she go low!!!
Indeed, life is how we make it as her song goes... So maybe I can re-make my life to be better!
Better... in this Crazy Life of my Peace Train....

Saturday, August 14, 2004

moving on...

I went to the lawyer Thursday to file a petition for a move-out order for my ex-husband. After that incident, I have no compassion for the guy anymore. He is a fly I need to swat out of my life now. He is a stranger to me. I am moving on without regard to what we had together (that were figment of of my imagination probably...), without any glimpse of any future amicable tendencies between us, without respect to his existance. At this point I would rather pay the lawyer than to help him in any way, shape or form.
Anyway, I said moving on... so Friday --- that's exactly what I did!
A good friend of mine had a friend who is a glass artist. We talked about it in passing before about getting lessons from him and sure enough, my friend Deedee made arrangements and Friday around noon, the whole glass studio went to my sister's house. Bob gave Deedee and I glass lamping lessons for the whole afternoon. It was so much fun and productive. I was going to do it at my apartment's recreation room but when I saw oxygen and propane tanks and a flame gun, I knew my apartment manager would simply panic. Besides, it was hard to transport the kiln and the tanks to the second level from the street parking. The only downside is Chi's place got invaded again, which I am sure she is not happy with. This is the downside of living with family, my lifestyle is simply too damn spontaneous that I simply can't abide by rules and it sucks that it hurts the ones I love and the ones who are simply tryng to help me. But back to the fun part. I have probably worked on almost all mediums except with glass and I have always been apprehensive of it, but now I know that I can manage it and it could be something I could be good at. Here I am again with Jhoiey of all trades, master of none!!!
I could see myself investing in getting the tools (tanks, flame gun, kiln...) by next year and doing it on the side. I will even take it further and make jewelries... I am excited about this!!! I have to get my living situation situated (for lack of a better word), so I could convert the second bedroom into a studio and I could start really getting back into painting again. I have tons of idea in starting a series but I have to have it all spread out to start getting productive about it. Again, hard to do when you are jus squatting... Ahhhh! Painting, pottery, welding and now glass beads making... what else am I going to dabble into...
It's too late now to get my shit together to apply for that government subsidized art studio in Santa Monica. I have to go to my apartment to get my portfolio for the slides that are required to be sent with the application form. No fuss... If it's not time, it's not time. I can't stress on every single thing that goes wrong. I am not ready to be in the place where it all happened. Sometimes I wonder if I could still live there after he moves out. Oh well, it's not like I have a choice, the lease is until January 2005 and trying to get out of it makes me more financially liable about more things. Have to avoid that and lessen those types of liabilitites. I just need to make sure to rearrange the house and give it a whole different vibe.
After the lessons that conveniently went to me! Cool! I had to go with Chi for her volunteer work in answering phones for the KCRW pledge drive. I was just tagging along because her shift was from 8 to midnight and it wasn't safe to walk alone to the parking structure of the college during those hours. I was a tired because aside from the glass lessons, I got up early to spend time with Dynn, drive (which I am still adjusting to) to Brentwood from Carson, go to the post office to do a temporary change of address and now accompany Chi to do volunteer work. I was just going to hang and read a book but I ended up answering phones too and getting a lot of pledges, I might add! It was fun! A different way in spending a Friday night!
See, I have moved on...

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

more tragedies in my little life's journey...

I am just at a lost for words to describe what an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks have been. And I always make a mistake of wishing for something tragic and I have to remind myself to “be careful what I wish for, because it just might come true!” I just wish that I would feel more hurt from somebody else than from my almost ex-husband so that I could forget how hurt I am with him… and BOOM! It hits me like a .45 caliber right on my fucking heart.

So should I start my story with the tragic or the more tragic? I guess I just have to leave the judgment to who ever is left reading my melodrama.

I really believed for a moment that this divorce was going to go smoothly. Boy, was I wrong? I was being generous and having him stay in my apartment until he finds his own place. I squat at my sister’s to avoid conflict with him. Whenever I see him when I get things from my apartment, we are polite and we even try to talk like we are actually really friends. I sometimes ask him for simple favors. Before the incident happen, I was starting to miss him and I was having this urge to see him and I thought it was because I wanted to be with him, the weird thing is --- when I do see him, I cringe! I couldn’t understand myself. I was confused. Then, last weekend… I went by my apartment to use the computer and low and behold, there was a girl sitting on my couch beside him! I said hi and went straight to the bedroom. I was convincing myself that it was okay because I am also seeing somebody else and that’s what happens when you file for divorce, you are suppose to move on. But the thing that irritates me is not my jealousy. I realized that wanting to see him was my intuition telling me something is not right. As I have often caught him in the past whenever I follow my strong urges, by my mere intuition. A few minutes passed and he followed me to the bedroom, I very calmly said that it is not cool to bring a girl in my apartment. I don’t care if he have moved on but not in my apartment. I thought my request was pretty fair. He left me in the bedroom and went back to the living room where he and the girl were watching a movie (on my couch, from my TV with my DVD player!) I started feeling sharp pains in my chest, so to not make a scene and embarrass him in front of his date, I called him on his cell phone even if I was just in the next room. I told him that my blood is starting to boil and that they should leave, NOW. Instead of leaving, he went to the bedroom again and told me that this is what I wanted, that I filed for divorce and that I said it is okay to have a girlfriend. I reminded him that the issue is that they are at my apartment and that I deserve that much respect. We were beginning to argue so I went to the living room where the girl was and told her what he was all about. He was pushing me to the door and telling me to leave and I refused and insisted that they should be the one to leave. The young girl was beyond herself and didn’t know what to do. He was offering to take her home and she was starting to get hysterical. I told her more stuff that she should know about and at that point, the guy who used to be my husband grabbed me by the neck, pushed me down the couch, placed a pillow on top of my head and begun choking me! The girl went outside the balcony instead of calling 911. He kept on choking me while I try to push him off and kick him and while choking me, he kept on saying “you are gonna fucking pay bitch!.” I eventually ran out of energy and stopped struggling. I was so petrified I thought I was going to die. He finally stopped choking me, got the girl and told her “don’t listen to that psycho bitch, we are divorced and she shouldn’t even be here” and while they walk out, he told me “you ruined my chances with this girl, now you are going to fucking pay bitch for the next 3-4 years of your life.” I sat there, completely shocked at what just happened. Seven years of my life I gave to this guy and this is what I got in return! I gathered all my strength and got his clothes out of my closet into the living room. I would have done worst if my Aunt did not try to pacify me and convince me to leave the apartment that moment. I did and when I got back to my sister’s house, he was calling. I didn’t pick up his call. I woke up the next morning because my phone kept on ringing, when I saw that it was him calling, I ignored it once again. He left a message with more threats. At that point I called the police and filed a police report. Of course, when they went to him, he said a completely different story. The law is so unfair, because the cops were telling me that we both could go to jail for what happened. Him for laying hands on me, me for laying hands on his stuff. Whatever! I trust that God and the Law will give me some justice in the end. If not… well, there is justice in the next life! This is unfortunate but at the same token, it really opened my eyes now. It took this kind of violation towards my humanity to make me realize that this person never loved me, he just used me to survive for seven years. It is not even possible to be friends with this person. He is an embodiment of evil!

I was dating this guy ever since my whole divorce started. I met him in a club when we were dancing. It was an instant chemistry. When we went out for dinner, I told him that I am still trying to get out of my marriage and didn’t really desire a relationship with another but that I would like to see him every so often and just have fun together, no strings attach, no commitment. I figured it was the right thing to do because I am such an emotional wreck, I don’t want anybody to undergo all my maladies with me. I didn’t think it was fair to me or him. But we have fun together and he is a great guy. I do notice that I refuse to get into intellectual or deep conversations with him and I think part of it was because I didn’t want it to go any further emotionally. He was there before my surgery and he checked up on me after my surgery. I actually really liked this guy. Given a different scenario, I think we could have had a relationship. Anyway, I was suppose to go to dinner with him yesterday but when he said that he was available this weekend, I jumped the opportunity and said let’s go dancing (not knowing if my post op body could even handle it). I was just ready to move on especially after the violence I experienced. I noticed a hesitation from his voice and he said he’ll call me later to confirm. Well, today he called me and told me he met somebody that he thinks he wants to have a relationship with and that he felt he ought to tell me because he was a little confused and that he didn’t want to hurt anybody. My heart tumbled and fell. I was hurt but impressed at the same time. I almost envied the lady that he was willing to be monogamous with. I wished I was her. How wonderful it would be to be revered by a man that way. I told him that our friendship is more important than the physical chemistry we had. After all, I don’t often meet decent men who would give up no strings attached sex to have a relationship. Chivalry is not dead and it is very much alive in young, eligible, hot bachelors like him. Why I meet them at the wrong time, beats me… Unfortunately, I still have my moral values and I would not compromise my friend’s desire to have a normal relationship for my own selfish needs. My time will come when I am ready to open my heart again. I know I have a good caring heart still beneath all the rubbles of my broken marriage. We ended the phone call with a promise to be good friends. I sure hope we keep that promise because he is someone I have grown to respect. He epitomizes my freedom and have given me back all the confidence that was robbed from me by my ex. Because of this special friend, I can look at the mirror and see a beautiful woman who is ready to swim out of the sea of despair.
Good luck my friend, I hope you have found HER!

As for me, my journey continues…

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

signed... sealed... and would be delivered!

I finally signed the petition for divorce. My hands were shaking. I didn't think I would be able to sign my name. I decided to keep his last name just cause... Well, I have used that name since I moved here. It was kind of a new beginning to a new place and I loved the sound of it and --- what the f#ck!!! Here goes... I still do love him. That is very hard to admit and admitting it doesn't mean I'll come running back to my married life. I have gone this far and I am not turning back. I just needed to be honest on how I feel, that's all. Getting divorce doesn't mean that I stopped loving him. It just meant --- I could no longer be with him committed and sincere when I can't even be invited in his inner being. There is so much going on in my head and in my body...
Anyway, I have to keep this short because I could keep on going on this but I limit myself only a few drop of tears a week and I already did that last night.
I just hope that... he opens up the way he really should when he finds someone again... I hope I could open up the way I did when I decide to be with someone again. I just hope that we both find our happiness.
I just know that all this is for the better --- for both of us!