Friday, July 02, 2004

revelations

There have been things I didn't want to blog about just cause even though I claim I am not affected by what people think of me, I still am human who detest being judged.

But as I was doing my usual rounds of blog hopping, CG who have been so supportive in being a blogging friend just commended me on my honestly and have opened herself up for scrutiny by blogging about an issue to intense for her that I thought, what the heck? Did I not say, I don't care!

I have finally hired a lawyer to file for the dissolution of marriage. How pathetic? Here we are growing up all dreaming of our very own version of what a fairy tale is and believing there is a Mr. Right and it will be happily ever after.

When I was in my teenage years, I always picture this guy very clearly. He's caucasian with spanish blood in all the right features, he's got long curly hair and he plays the guitar. He speaks a certain way and he is lean and he wears glasses. He is intelligent but not boring and he touches me a certain way. I met that guy 11 years ago and I married that guy 7 yeas ago. He was exactly how I pictured him!

Growing up in a catholic country, we were raised not knowing divorce. Not to say that it didn't happen because it even happened to my own parents which even made the subject more important to me. "What God has put together, let no man put asunder," "till death do us part"... These were words I lived by. It is the core of my being. It pains me to do what I am doing. It pains me to do the one thing that I promised I will never do. But does that mean I have to sacrifice my whole life for something I believed so strongly in. NO! Happiness may be fleeting but when you start weighing your life on the liberty scale and your sorrows weigh more than your happiness, then something drastic needs to be done. I am not about to enumerate again the many things that brought this decision about. I know that I gave it my best and didn't not hesitate to overstep my own boundaries and limitations just to keep it going as long as it did and I am not saying that he was the only one at fault either. I had my many bad moments. I just know that life is meant to be more good than bad and life is how each person makes it. It doesn't have to be all jolly all the time but you need to have balance. The wedding vows should really say... "Till divorce do us part..."

Now, faced with facts and the black and white legal system. I maybe liable to pay spousal support for at least 3 years. I am hoping my soon-to-be-X will not file for it but really, you'll never know what people would do, specially if they felt betrayed. The lawyer informed me that the courts are very gender-neutral when it comes to this subject and I blame the feminist movement for this. Here we are females fighting for equality and this is what we get. We get the equal treatment in paying spousal support because we bring home the bacon. It doesn't matter what brought about the situation of your spouse not working. It doesn't matter that it was his choice even if he is capable of earning like you do. It doesn't matter that all adults shoudl be responsible for their own living situation and their own survival. It doesn't matter that for so many years this person have sponged off of you and that it was one of the reason you want out. It doesn't matter that you feel vindicated for being held responsible for keeping up a certain degree of lifestyle. All this don't matter. The law regarding this is as clear as the Aegean Sea (not that I know how clear that is!), it just sounded cool *smiles*.... Huh! I am exasperated by all this. I was even told that if he decides to hire his own lawyer to fight me, I will be liable to pay his lawyer as well. I never thought I was in a high income bracket but apparently I really am. Surprise, surprise!

This are the things I have to face and I am hoipng for the best but I have to expect the worst.

I had other things I wanted to say but I realize I am not ready to talk about it yet. It might be used against me in the court of law! I will in time...