Sunday, July 18, 2004

last week's impending doom

Went to bed real late and made it clear to the almost-ex that we need to get use to knowing that we don’t have each other anymore... The morning of Tuesday when we finally got off the bed, he was a little on the mean side... I decided to stay over at Chi’s which is four buildings away from my house. Close enough for convenience when I need something and far enough that I don’t see him. Jhosel dropped by with Dynn and RJ and we walked around the neighborhood. Everyone is Brentwood seems to be a breed of shiny-happy-people. It’s pretty amazing. I have lived all over the westside and now I am back again in Brentwood where Gene and I started. And now, seven years later we are back in Brentwood about to start a life apart. I need to focus. upcoming new job. Everything in my life right now is UPCOMING. I am waiting to exhale and from this impending doom called MY LIFE...

I went over my friend’s house to help her with her computer problems but instead my life got dissected. Now I know the reason why I resist going to therapy. I remember the lawyer asked me how I dealt with my depression and I told him that I can will myself in-and-out of depression depending on my availability. True, I let myself indulge when I can, but when there is work to be done, then I prioritize and put all my sorrows aside.
I got to my friend’s house around lunch time and when I got there, her mother and sister were there and I joined them for a yummy, healthy, home cooked lunch. Now, they are a very religious, spiritual bunch and I know this and I respect it. I never share too much with this friend because I feel judged whenever I do. She probably doesn’t but she is so innocent and god-fearing that I feel my less-than-perfect-paranoid-self being judged! Sure enough, the lunch conversation and my mention of divorce sparked the savior mentality of this very charitable, church-volunteering family and so the four-hour pray-over, counseling session began. Take note that I have had this sessions before in my almost-ex’s church group and what took them a few years to dissect from me, this 3 did in four hours... Impressive! I mean, they were good, they knew exactly what to say to me to keep me rolling. The things in my life, my childhood that I have buried in the deepest concaves of my brain they were able to resurface, it was like being in a trance, in hypnosis... I told them everything nobody had to know. The supposed generational curses that was the root cause of all my misery. I was convulsing and nauseated from all the revelation. When it was all over, I thanked them and for all the good intentions they had in HELPING ME. I proceeded to help my friend with her computer after her family left, which was the reason I wasted a good tank of gas anyway. When I finally checked all the voicemail from not answering my phone during the spiritual intervention that was taking place, I realized that because of this I will miss the opportunity to enjoy some aversions I was suppose to have while healing my emotional wounds because of all the implicated guilt that I will have for the rest of the day and maybe for the rest of the week. Why can’t I be left alone in being human that sins concsiously and subconsciously. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God and the Bible and our salvation from sin. What I don’t believe in after growing up Catholic and developing Christianity in other supposed non-sectarian groups are people who are obviously unhappy and unfulfilled with their own petty lives trying very hard to uplift you from your own miserable existence. For me, generosity in helping others is a must when help was solicited and counseling should be left to people who listens instead of giving endless advise that will never be truly appreciated.
I mean, I didn’t go there asking for help... I was dealing with my situation with ups and downs that I believe was normal in any circumstance of normality. I didn’t resist it because I know it would hurt them if I do and that they will not understand why I am not accepting God’s words. They were after all speaking God’s words. Right?
She also overheard a phone conversation with another friend who tends to be loud and use a lot of F’s in her every sentence. This mind you, is a very generous friend and after I hang up with her... God-fearing friend asked me if my other friend knows God and if she have accepted Jesus as her personal saviour. I said, "I don’t know"... She said that I should ask and if she is not, I should lead her. I responded by saying, I lead by example not by forcing people to listen to me preach. I thought that anytime you impose your faith to people, you are judging them by thinking less of them just because you do not agree on each other’s version of what spirituality is and should be.
After digesting the event of that afternoon. I feld violated (my privacy) and judged. How do I tell my friend who is older than me, never been married nor in an otherwise commited relationship all her life, not so great career with a divorced mother and a younger sister who is quite a pastor but in the same situation she is relationship and career-wise that she should really work on her own happiness first? She just would not understand the brutal honesty that I could offer her. The reality that you could pray all you want and that God will always be there but at the end of the day, it’s your freewill and how you use it that will dictate your fate. Should I just shut up and leave her with illussions of her blind faith? Should I just avoid her completely and never speak to her again? I don’t know. My own faith tells me that ignorance is bliss and that I should not hurt her feelings. I just need to be careful not to put myself in that weird situation again.
Anyway, this whole day lead to quite a rejection for something I was hoping to get before I head to my temporary home. But, I am a big girl, I can handle some rejection here and there. Laughing out REALLY loud.

I woke up really early and the pain of the divorce finally hit me. I feel terrible, like my whole world is crumbling and I am about to die. Eventhough I know I have the power to take it back, I have made up my mind and I know that by doing it, I am doing us both a favor. All this does not erase the fact that I will be without the greatest love of my life and that it is so damn painful. My heart is in pieces and no amount of extra strength glue can put it back together. Tears flowed the whole day and by 3 in the afternoon, I got really tired and dehydrated from crying and decided to get off my miserable butt and eat something and take a long warm shower. I was going to the library but instead I got all funked up and went to the yoga studio for an hour and a half of vinyasa and ashtangga... I was drenched in sweat from all the meditation and all the flexed muscles. My focus was so intense, I felt each pose consumed me in everyway possible. I was so conscious of my body and all the pain I have and I was also conscious of all the overflow of emotion. The yoga mat looked like somebody poured 24 ounces of liquid on it, my hair and my clothes were so wet that you would think I fell off the pool. I never knew I could perspire like that. It was unreal and quite embarassing. I wish I have perspired all my sorrow and pain... But as soon as I stepped out... Reality bit me even harder. (Well, before that, I got a dose of a hot guy checkingmy ass out...yeah!)... I thought I was going to faint when I got home... Dehydration...
I wonder if yesterday’s pseudo-therapy had something to do with all the emotional torment of today....
Jhosel was suppose to take me the the fashion school orientation she was attending. I have to live vicariously thru her while she pursue a career in fashion. I wonder what would have become of me if I became a fashion designer instead of an architect. Would I have become successful as I am now, maybe more.... Some wishful thinking is in order here. She was running late as usual, so she went with a FRIEND instead while I check out a gym walking distance between my house and my new job... She took me to a sushi dinner afterwards to make me feel better and it would have not been complete if she didn’t finish it off with a nice back massage.

Chi is back in town and she was with me today to accompany me in running some errands, helping me get my life in order so that when things are back to the normal that I have been desiring, I have straightened out some kinks. I am sore from the use of major and minor muscle groups that have long been ignored and I have an on-set of pelvic pain and my neck is quite acting up... But today is a GOOD day! After all the errands were taken care of, we went home, got ready and went join the rest of the family for my Mom’s office Blues Cruise. We were quite overdressed (or maybe more like underdressed depending on how one perceive the amount of fabric you have on you versus one’s fashion sense) for the Long Beach/Orange County crowd which mostly were the ones who participate in this cruise. We would have been better off joining a cruise that starts from Marina Del Rey. How geography affects people’s taste is quite amusing. We thought it was a reggae cruise so we were ready to party but the reggae band is for Saturdays. Friday nights are with the blues band. It was a 3 hour cruise, too long with blues playing. We had fun either way. Like I have mentioned before, the tres marias didn’t need much to have FUN. We are a party all to ourselves! It was probably better that way, we weren’t given an opportunity to embarrass my Mom too much in front of her co-workers. The Captain of the cruise invited the 3 of us in the Captain’s Quarters to warm up when he saw that the wind might be making us cold. We felt special!

Got up early to drag Chi to her first full yoga session. 8:30 in the morning, bright, early and ready. Didn’t sweat as much as the other day but felt really good afterwards. Did a lot of fun stuff today. I bought a new bed (same as what are being used in the W Hotels) to make the after surgery recovery time to be really comfortable. Chi bought a new digital camera. Got a pedicure. We were going to hang out at the beach but it was too hot and we still have fresh tans from the Lake Michigan North Beach. Got into quite an argument with my Mom because I refuse to do anything else today but have fun. When Chi and I got back home (at her playhouse!!!) We just had anough time to dress casually and off to our outdoor movie date. She was going to take her almost-boyfriend but he was in Vegas registering for the coming school semester... So she took me instead to the Ford Ampitheater to see a 1983 vampire movie entitled "The Hunger" starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon and David Bowie. Total artsy flick! Now, when we got there, we found it odd to see so many cute guys with other cute guys and then after looking around some more. Everyone’s companion are the same gender as they were. And then we thought, something is wrong with this picture. We were cracking up when they started the program introduction as being part of the OUTFEST 2004, The Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. We had to pretend that I am a butch and Chi is my bitch to fit in and to stop the other butch from checking us out! It was the most hilarious thing you can imagine. We played the part well and watched the movie while drinking our bottles of wine direct from the bottle! (we brought 2 bottles of left over wine with about 1/3 contents in each bottle. When we left the place, every butch was watching us because we were the hottest couple in the bunch... Funny! We left and proceeded to our favorite hang out... The Lounge at The Standard Hotel. Danced a little bit then went home.

Today is laundry and clean the play house day. Some emotional challenges about the painful break up. Some basic guy questions... Will blog about that some other time maybe... I need to ask a guy first and then, I will be better equipt to blog about it, or maybe not!
I wish I could turn back the clock and be at that moment I am happiest with Gene and re-live that moment over and over again. Will I be able to love the same way again? I hope so, I have so much to give and no one to give it to. Sometimes I am afraid that I will be too cautious the next time around. I don’t want to do that, I want to be able to give myself fully again without inhibitions just as I am.
I hope he finds himself whole again. I think in some ways he is as broken as I am, I am just more open with it than he ever will be. How do two people cope with such a separation after connecting in every single way possible? Sometimes I feel like he is my brother, we were that connected. Am I going to lose my bestfriend as well? A million questions cross my mind when I am alone. Is it worth it to be in a less than wonderful relationship just to avoid being alone? When I saw him tonight, I wanted to hug him and tell him that this is all for the better but I didn’t. I know it will not help the situation to remind each other how good it is to have each other during hard times, specially when the hard time involves dissolving your union to each other. Life is too damn complicated sometimes. Oh God help my lost soul find its way to peace.