Tuesday, July 20, 2004

day before...

I am probably really over dramatizing my day tomorrow. So what? It is my life, my party and I will cry if I want to.

I went by my apartment early in the morning to let the maintenance people in since my not-good-for-anything-almost-ex was giving them a hard time. *bitterness in my silent voice* He was actually up and he let them in, so it means he got my message yesterday... As soon as he saw me, like a little kid that got scolded, he went to his bedroom *he moved his stuff in the second bedroom were the computer and the study was* *he said he can't stand being alone at night inside the master's bedroom that we used to share* *am I suppose to feel sorry after that?* After the maintenance people left, I went by each room and with sadness I looked at all my stuff collected through the years with much delussion and apathy to what has transpired in the last few months. The lost of the gallery, the knowledge that I might never have my own family... I went to his bedroom, reminded him that he can't use the master's bath till tomorrow as it has been re-caulked... It annoyed me to see him sleeping, with anger in my voice I said "no fuckin' job will find you if you sleep all day!"

I walked out of there ready to find solace in my temporary retreat four buildings down. I ran some errands, made important phone calls, whatever else I can do without driving. I invited a friend over for lunch, just to forget for a few minutes how my life sucks just about now.

The knowledge that I am no longer waiting for someone else to make it better for me gives me consolation. I AM TAKING CHARGE, I AM MAKING CHANGES, I AM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT I AM NOT HAPPY WITH. I takes courage and I am making things happen. What Jhoiey wants, Jhoiey eventually gets.. with hard work and much perseverance of course. Right now, I just want to be free.

Some other opportunities are opening up. I was sent an application for a live in/work in artist space in Santa Monica, a hard place to get in too, since it is half subsidized by the city's cultural arts division. A few other job offers that might pan out if the corporate world is not willing to wait for my recovery. Life is GOOD no matter how hard it gets. I am blessed with family and friends who appreciates me as I am, strong willed and complex...

Let's see how tomorrow goes...