Friday, July 30, 2004

bad week

Nothing but pain and nausea this week. I would manage to run *actually walk would be the more appropriate term* a couple errands one day and the next day I am completely exhausted. Few stressful issues had to be dealt with and it sucked me dry heaving by midday. I have managed to finish reading 3 books out of utter boredom for being home all day and not being able to use my body at its optimum capacity.

This is like a nightmare for me. I have never felt this helpless. It's the abomination of my existence. It is by far the worst experience my adult physical life. Bloated, gassy, itchy around my stitches, constant sharp pains in the pelvis and the lower abdomen, should I go on? Nevermind that my disability check does not cover half of my expenses, now the medical bills are pouring in as well.

I am squatting at my sister's playhouse, eating her food and sucking her dry by borrowing even her life savings to cover my ass in all my financial obligations that are creeping up on me like a ghost in the night. I am dumbfounded with embarrassment and humiliation and yes I am over superfluous on this statements because... who in their descent mind would leech of their sister that way? A younger one at that. Not to mention, she needs to hear me whine all day and all night on how much pain I am enduring. She also had to wake extra early, so she could make me breakfast before I take my morning batch of pills. She also have to drive me where I need to go when she can. She use to be the impatient one, so I have no idea how she could handle her pain in the behind older sister. I have invaded her space, her privacy, her LIFE! All the while as I sulk in self pity and disgust of what have become of ME...

I did find out who my friends are... the overpouring of love and concern from phone calls to visits. My masseuse friend even dropped by to give me a post surgery massage that helped me go # 2 easier. Two fabulous friends dropped by and gave me flowers and had dinner with me.

I mean, I really want to be positive but I can't help it when the most mundane task becomes an all out chore because my midsection's insides are in disarray and I can still feel the toxic of the anesthesia choking me from inside out. This is no walk in the park! It is hard to even produce a smile lately from so much pain.

Somebody shoot me! Let me get this over with!!!