Monday, June 21, 2004

what broke the chain?

I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of growing in the past month. I went from martyr wife who brings home the bacon to an overly excited to enter the pseudo-singlehood of L.A. It sounds backwards in the ordinary order of things but I am no ordinary girl. In fact, my life has always been interesting in many ways, ordinary is not an adjective often associated with me as a whole or even in part. I may look ordinary but inside is a whole different story...

Without deviating any further from my intended topic...

A few weeks ago after a major endo attack, I decided to change doctors because I didn't want to answer the inevitable. My past doctor have always asked me "Will you be having a baby anytime soon?" I always had problems in my reproductive organs, I've had a couple minor surgeries to get rid of pre-cancer cystic growths and the likes. The endo problem have been the most painful of all the problems, being it a chronic illness without any cure, the few ways that may relieve the chronic pain it causes are pretty basic and natural. One of the most common effects of endo is infertility. Been married for seven years, have not really use contraception (except for my proud husband's withdrawal methods, pills used until migraines get worst....) My doctor having been seeing me for at least five years is adamant to get an answer to the question "are you planning to have a baby anytime soon?". She said that it is important for me to know the answer to that because that single thing may determine the plan of action. I always tell her "we are not ready yet" and she would always say, "no one is" and "you don't even know if you could have one or carry one full term".

See, I got pregnant when I was seventeen with my college boyfriend and I had a miscarriage on the fifth month. It was very emotionally & physically painful. So, maybe I could get pregnant but maybe not. Anyway, since I am married and obviously I am not the only one who should make this decision... I decided to ask my husband out to dinner to have the BIG "BABY TALK"...

Bad choice! On the way to dinner, we got into discussing his career choices and I was puzzled that he wouldn't take this guitar mechanic position because it is a career not just a job! He would rather become a valet guy or a driver so he could pack up and leave if the seldom opportunity in the music business knocks. I reminded him that although I am still believing that he would make it again one day, that he also needs to be practical and consider other options, that he should realize what the worst case scenario might be. This upsets him and made him think that I was being pessimistic and that I no longer believe in him. Of course I did, otherwise I would have left you long ago...

When we got to the restaurant... I started by asking if he have read the e-mail I forwarded to him from endoknows and he said not really. I proceeded to explain to him for the nth time what endometriosis is and reminded him of my condition whenever I have an attack and told him I had a very bad recent one. Then I continued on explaining to him how the doctor would want me to at least try if I could even get pregnant and from there me and my doctor could approach a conclusive treatment plan. He answered matter-of-factly "we are not ready"... annoyed beyond revelry I responded "if after seven years, we still are not ready --- we probably will never" and argued with calm "but the point is, we still don't know if we could get pregnant", he then murmured "you did before" and I insisted "I wasn't able to carry it full term... besides everyone gets pregnant easy at a tender age of 17!" --- this went on --- "we are not ready" --- "so because we are not ready I am suppose to suffer this curse of a pain!" --- "just take vicodin" --- "look, I don't even want to have a baby right now, I am loving my freedom and my ability to travel and a baby will hamper that but if it means I won't suffer like this anymore, even a chance of it - I am willing to fulfill this marriage vows and have a baby" --- "we can't afford it" --- "you mean you can't because I CAN" --- "just take vicodin" --- "ok fine, i guess you don't want a baby... you know God made it nine months in the mother's womb to give the parents a time to prepare" --- no response --- "fine... i'll suffer my pain" --- "just take vicodin"

That's how it went. And I sat there and realized what a waste I made my life to be. Devoted seven years, forgave everything unforgivable in a normal marriage, became the sole breadwinner while my spouse took his sweet time in trying to figure out his career path, played housewife on weekends and after work, stayed home most nights while he went out party with his friends, ignored developing friendships to avoid nasty comments about my marriage and my stupidity, watched gruelling hours of drag racing, stayed home when I'd rather do things I love to do because of lack of an activity partner, should I say more?

I chose this life against all odds. I felt so misunderstood by my family and friends. Always asking myself why they couldn't see how I blossom with him, how he made me happy, how he made me free. All that was a lie, a lie I told myself. I was in-love with the idea of him, of how fun and carefree life would be with a musician. I was the one who misunderstood. I am not saying he is a bad person, he just was not the person I deserve to be with. And yes, I blossomed as an artist with him but I could have blossomed without him as well, or maybe it was the pain I kept all this years that made my art so colorful.

That dinner baby talk broke the chain. It was the night I realized that I was holding on to the idea that never existed. I was in a marriage alone. I was with somebody who was incapable of caring for someone like me, someone who is capable of giving everything. My curse is my strength....