Sunday, June 06, 2004

weekend over yet?

This is the first time in a long time that I wish the weekend is over. I usually prolong my weekends and wish it was still longer. In the beginning, because I wanted Gene and I to go places and lately because I was just too depressed to do anything and hated going back to work.

Almost everyone's been very supportive during my depression and severe lack of motivation and I promised myself more than anybody that one day I will wake up and decide I had enough of that and move on and find a new reason to be ME again. The ME that I love and the ME that everyone have fun with.

I guess I hit rock bottom the previous weekend and despite the Sylvia Plath readings and my previous attempts at ending it all, I didn't explore that thought even. This made me realized that I have matured indeed. That something did happen at 30 and it is a REAL MILESTONE AGE! It was just a few days off in my mental/psychological calendar.

Something clicked and it clicked in several different areas in my life. I can't really talk about it much yet for fear of ruining the moment. All I know is I finally found the answer to the question "what am I doing in my life?" *pissed off and screaming*... I am the only one who have the power to change that. I am blessed with so many things that I have been failing to see because of the black veil that covered my vision for so long. One chapter is about over and another one is about to begin and I am quivering in anticipation to get it started. I want to be happy again and I will do what ever it takes to be happy.

Last Friday night... There was a revelation within me and it awakened certain repressed segments in my being and it feels great to feel ALIVE again.

Today, somebody threatened to kill it once more but the revelation was too strong to let my blood sleep again.

Chi is right.... there is a song for it...

bring me to life
by: evanescence

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb
without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before I come undone
save me from the nothing I've become

now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before I come undone
save me from the nothing I've become
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life