Tuesday, June 29, 2004

sisters road trip

In the hotel room... blogging... Chi's asleep... Jhosel's with ex-hubby taking Dynny to the hospital. On the way to Phoenix, Arizona, Dynny got constipated and due to the premie's intestinal problems, she threw-up several times. Poor baby! We considered goign back and not taking her but it was an opportunity to see her Daddy. She was still in very high spirits considering she was not feeling great. What a great kid! The drive wasn't so bad, Jhosel drove the whole way... all 390 miles of it. Took us 7.5 hours. It's good to do this with my sisters... bonding. I hope Dynny will get better, I think she will, she was happy to see her parents in one room hugging her constantly.

Tomorrow, I plan to hang-out all day by the pool and read books. I brought a bunch of Jack Kerouac and Silvia Plath. When Chi gets off work, maybe we'll drive around and look for something else to do. The most important thing right now is to rest my tired soul and heal my broken body. I brought my home kit for cervical traction therapy to make sure I don't miss any rehabilitative sessions, I wore my neck brace as well. It cramps my style but I had to do it.

Rest...

06.28.04

First day of my month long freedom from working a day job!

I got up earlier than usual. Packed a bag good till Thursday. Figured out what to wear for a fun evening. Called my doctor to confirm start of my disability. Called my new employer to verify the start date of my employment. Went through the bills that needed to be taken care of before all my cash vanish, went through some e-mails as well. As much as I had time for anyway. I had to get out of the house cause I heard that the almost-ex-h just woke up...

I have to avoid facing the inevitably pissed off almost-ex-h. He is now going through the emotional stages of breaking up. I pity him but I have to stand on my convictions and stay firm that it is over. We went through this before and forgiving him and continuing the relationship with him only made him think that I can be taken for granted anytime he pleases.

When I came home last Saturday (more like early Sunday) after a night-out of dancing with my sister. I cried my self to sleep after what I saw. His eyes were sunken and he had this sullen demeanor. He looked terrible and much older than the day I told him that it's over. It saddens me.

Sometimes I ask myself... did I do this? NO! We did it to each other. There is no singular person at fault. We both were at fault. I know that now. I have to accept my internal growth...

Back to my day.... I left the house as speedy as I could. Our friend Shawn came over early and that was a good opportunity for me to leave the house without confrontation. I went to Pasadena to pick up Shelly and meet a couple of other ex-co-workers-turned-friends, Nadia and Sylvia and we met with the BigMc-BOB too. Had lunch, talked about career, life and love. Went by the old office where I met Nadia and Sylvia and caught up with everyone. The other designer that use to sit right next to me was teasing me on how I don't fit the corporate world. I said you don't know the chameleon in me (not referring to my previous pets!), I adapt well in any environment, the corporate world shouldn't be that difficult.

Shelly and I went to the movies afterwards. So this is what unemployed people do the whole day? After a couple of hours laughing at Ben Stiller's inflatable crouch covers, we proceeded to one of the expensive, organic grocery stores to do some food shopping for Shelly's Atkins diet and my dessert items for the nights dinner plans. Got back at Shelly's, wore my favorite dress, put make-up on...

It was, over-all, a fun night!

Sunday, June 27, 2004

company picnic

Saturday was our company picnic at Point Dume Beach just before Malibu turns tro Ventura County. It was a perfect day for the beach. I was going to take my whole family with me (Lola, Mom, 2 sisters, 1 aunt, 1 cousin and Dynny) but moods didn't quite matched and it ended up as Chi, R-jay (cousin) and Dynny.

Got there 3 hours late and the caterer were almost done for the day. Food was good, margaritas were flowing but I could discern the animosity from my almost-ex-co-workers.

What am I talking about? I never connected with them, why start now? I'm glad I had Dynn to play with. I enjoyed myself despite of the obvious indifference.

The water felt great, Dynny played the perfect daughter. There were rock climbers and I could wait to try it myself. Michelle will break me in.

It was nevertheless a sun-filled-fun-filled afternoon.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

freedom!

Last day at that forsaken place called work!

Freedom at last.

I celebrated it with Shelly, my cynical, conservative, chinese-version-of-reese-witherspoon friend. We started at Elixir for tea and vibe. Continued on to Melrose for some hard-earned money spending on summer sandals at Aldo. Grab a bite to eat at the cheeziest Thai place with singing-lebanese-elvis!!! at the Palm Thai. Drove through Hollywood to Sunset to people watch while sipping cappucino at my favorite hang-out The Standard bar. Relaxed and watch the unseen stars by The Standard poolside.

Went home....

Freedom for a month....

Monday, June 21, 2004

what broke the chain?

I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of growing in the past month. I went from martyr wife who brings home the bacon to an overly excited to enter the pseudo-singlehood of L.A. It sounds backwards in the ordinary order of things but I am no ordinary girl. In fact, my life has always been interesting in many ways, ordinary is not an adjective often associated with me as a whole or even in part. I may look ordinary but inside is a whole different story...

Without deviating any further from my intended topic...

A few weeks ago after a major endo attack, I decided to change doctors because I didn't want to answer the inevitable. My past doctor have always asked me "Will you be having a baby anytime soon?" I always had problems in my reproductive organs, I've had a couple minor surgeries to get rid of pre-cancer cystic growths and the likes. The endo problem have been the most painful of all the problems, being it a chronic illness without any cure, the few ways that may relieve the chronic pain it causes are pretty basic and natural. One of the most common effects of endo is infertility. Been married for seven years, have not really use contraception (except for my proud husband's withdrawal methods, pills used until migraines get worst....) My doctor having been seeing me for at least five years is adamant to get an answer to the question "are you planning to have a baby anytime soon?". She said that it is important for me to know the answer to that because that single thing may determine the plan of action. I always tell her "we are not ready yet" and she would always say, "no one is" and "you don't even know if you could have one or carry one full term".

See, I got pregnant when I was seventeen with my college boyfriend and I had a miscarriage on the fifth month. It was very emotionally & physically painful. So, maybe I could get pregnant but maybe not. Anyway, since I am married and obviously I am not the only one who should make this decision... I decided to ask my husband out to dinner to have the BIG "BABY TALK"...

Bad choice! On the way to dinner, we got into discussing his career choices and I was puzzled that he wouldn't take this guitar mechanic position because it is a career not just a job! He would rather become a valet guy or a driver so he could pack up and leave if the seldom opportunity in the music business knocks. I reminded him that although I am still believing that he would make it again one day, that he also needs to be practical and consider other options, that he should realize what the worst case scenario might be. This upsets him and made him think that I was being pessimistic and that I no longer believe in him. Of course I did, otherwise I would have left you long ago...

When we got to the restaurant... I started by asking if he have read the e-mail I forwarded to him from endoknows and he said not really. I proceeded to explain to him for the nth time what endometriosis is and reminded him of my condition whenever I have an attack and told him I had a very bad recent one. Then I continued on explaining to him how the doctor would want me to at least try if I could even get pregnant and from there me and my doctor could approach a conclusive treatment plan. He answered matter-of-factly "we are not ready"... annoyed beyond revelry I responded "if after seven years, we still are not ready --- we probably will never" and argued with calm "but the point is, we still don't know if we could get pregnant", he then murmured "you did before" and I insisted "I wasn't able to carry it full term... besides everyone gets pregnant easy at a tender age of 17!" --- this went on --- "we are not ready" --- "so because we are not ready I am suppose to suffer this curse of a pain!" --- "just take vicodin" --- "look, I don't even want to have a baby right now, I am loving my freedom and my ability to travel and a baby will hamper that but if it means I won't suffer like this anymore, even a chance of it - I am willing to fulfill this marriage vows and have a baby" --- "we can't afford it" --- "you mean you can't because I CAN" --- "just take vicodin" --- "ok fine, i guess you don't want a baby... you know God made it nine months in the mother's womb to give the parents a time to prepare" --- no response --- "fine... i'll suffer my pain" --- "just take vicodin"

That's how it went. And I sat there and realized what a waste I made my life to be. Devoted seven years, forgave everything unforgivable in a normal marriage, became the sole breadwinner while my spouse took his sweet time in trying to figure out his career path, played housewife on weekends and after work, stayed home most nights while he went out party with his friends, ignored developing friendships to avoid nasty comments about my marriage and my stupidity, watched gruelling hours of drag racing, stayed home when I'd rather do things I love to do because of lack of an activity partner, should I say more?

I chose this life against all odds. I felt so misunderstood by my family and friends. Always asking myself why they couldn't see how I blossom with him, how he made me happy, how he made me free. All that was a lie, a lie I told myself. I was in-love with the idea of him, of how fun and carefree life would be with a musician. I was the one who misunderstood. I am not saying he is a bad person, he just was not the person I deserve to be with. And yes, I blossomed as an artist with him but I could have blossomed without him as well, or maybe it was the pain I kept all this years that made my art so colorful.

That dinner baby talk broke the chain. It was the night I realized that I was holding on to the idea that never existed. I was in a marriage alone. I was with somebody who was incapable of caring for someone like me, someone who is capable of giving everything. My curse is my strength....

weekend playing Mommy...

a day at the beach playing mommy...

orange break...

i'll have more pictures to post as soon as i get my act together...

the one who loves you or the one you love

I am not sure where my sister got this but it's sure is helping me cope... read on...

Here's the answer to the question on what to prefer: the one who loves you or the one you love... this is also for those who are waiting for the person they love to love them back openly, to those who are looking for love and those who know that their love is not meant to be...

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man whom loves you more.

The best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness rare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may found peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all
survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions.

The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship... don't be so bitter about it! For it is a kind of FRIENDSHIP that will last for a LIFETIME!!! We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end
our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life,
be sensible, and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry, if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you.

And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime... "When I lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that I loved you but you will never be loved again the way that I did."

Friday, June 18, 2004

summer.art.jazz.film. all night at the LACMA

It's 9:30 p.m. I'm here at the LACMA for the ALL NIGHT SUMMER ART.JAZZ.FILM. Another "L.A." thing to do! And I love it!

I tried going last year, but that was the time when we were setting up the gallery for our first opening reception. We finished hanging the paintings at 2:30 a.m. and went to LACMA only to see the queue a mile long wrapping the whole Wilshire/Fairfax block. We ended up going back to the gallery and focusing our lighting.

After a year of anticipation, here we are (Chi and I) queuing 200 ft. from the entrance and very determined to witness this spectacular event! I forgot to bring a book to enhance my waiting experience, luckily technology is kind enough to give a new meaning to blogging. With my Nokia 6820 I can type away in style... Gotta save battery and revert to my people-watching mode...

Two hours later... we are now 50 ft. from the entrance...

11:58 p.m. We are going in! Yey! we made it before midnight!

1:30 p.m. It was all worth it! Thanks to my new found FREEDOM - I got to go...

Verdict: L.A. do have some culture as I previously dispute. Not everyone was there for the art (an exhibit of "Conceptual Art" and oils cumulatively titled "Inventing the Race".) It's a place to see and be seen. For some reason, the jazz band stopped playing way too early in the long summer night but the freebies are worth while and the food was ghetto good (spam burgers and pineapple skewers with coconut sprinkles tipped with cherry) bought from a Tiki Hut. The freedom wall was getting a lot of freedom contributed to it. A couple of brawls and an endless supply of freaks who are high in X! Great way to REALLY people watch while lounging on the modern lounge chairs sprawled all over the grounds. The film was very Van Gogh-ish being projected on a not so flat wall. People got drunk. But I mainly enjoyed it because ... I CAN thus I WILL!

"Beyond Geometry examines the role of radically simplified form and systematic strategies in the evolution of vanguard art across the West in the decades following World War II. Covering Central and Western Europe and North and South America, Beyond Geometry is the first exhibition to treat these issues in a broad international context." (from website)
I did enjoy the Conceptual Art exhibit from the 50's and 60's and was puzzled on how someone keep track of all this objects of pseudo art or anti-process art or however one wish to refer to it. I would have better enjoyed lingering on if it wasn't so damn crowded and people trying to pretend they understood. The point was to NOT need to understand but just to condone and let the artist be. That's my take on it.

"Inventing the Race" was interesting in an obviously redundant manner. "From Spanish and Indian, Mestizo," "From Spaniards and Blacks, Mulatto,"... so and so forth... it was an intriguing look at how 18th century Mexico have their own racial hierarchy and how it could be viewed in our deniably anti-racial-discrimination initiative as higher society...

Hhhhmmm... so much for a career in art critiquing...

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

the red shoes

I've been in L.A. for seven years, four months and eleven days and it was my first time to go to the Ford Amphitheatre. Chi and I went to see a rare viewing of The Red Shoes, an adaptation of the fairytale by Hans Christian Anderson filmed in the 1940's. We got dressed, drove there, bought our fancy LA style sesame crusted ahi tuna nicoise salad, wine and coffee...

I was loving the movie because it was all about the passion for one's art form, in the movies case, dance... ballet... The cinematography was fabulously forties and the special effects were seamlessly done in an old fashion glorious way film was done during those days passed... I didn't like the ending too much because it showed how one will sacrifice the love of self and the passion for one's art form for the sake of romantic love. It kind of ruined the whole movie for me.

Nevertheless, I am loving living in L.A. This city is my red shoes!

Adventures I have and will accomplish...

I wrote about 3 months ago...
something's changed since then...

Adventures I have accomplished:

1. Jumped in the pool after an all night drinking fest and no sleep for more than 24 hours.
2. Bunjee Jumping with my sisters.
3. Danced on stage while my reggae buddies was having a concert.
4. Danced the hula on stage when in Maui.
5. Danced on stage while my husband's band was having a show case.
6. Went to Singapore by myself for a week and had a whirlwind romance with a waiter at Hard Rock Cafe.
7. Had 2 guys in and out of my room when I was in Singapore and the hotel manager thought I was a hooker.
8. Got offerred money many times to show my boobs.
9. Went mountain climbing twice while in the university, i sucked but I did it.
10. Climbed down to the Colorado River, Grand Canyon and back up the in one day with my husband.
11. Hiked up Hana, Maui to go through the bamboo forest and the 100 feet water fall.
12. Hiked down Hana, Maui to see the 7 sacred pools.
13. Slept in Central Park, New York like a bum.
14. Found fossils in many fossil hunts my husband and I went to in Northern & Southern California, Utah & Wyoming.
15. Married a musician and had chameleons for pets.
16. Swam with fishes and fed a puffer while swimming.
17. Started a business without any money.
18. Island hop with my AnP during the last years of our university days.
19. Planned to meet my bestfriend in Paris and did.
20. Stayed married even thru the toughest times...


Adventures I still WILL accomplish:
1. Skydiving.
2. Parasailing.
3. Scuba Diving.
4. Wall Climb a magnificent rock in Utah.
5. Trip to the Madagascar wilderness.
6. Trip to the Amazon.
7. Trip to the Outback & the Great Barrier Reef, Australia.
8. Trip to the Great Wall of China
9. Trip to Venice, Italy.
10. Go back to school and take my Master's at SCI-Arch or UCLA
11. Start another business, and this time --- SUCCESSFULLY!
12. Fall in LOVE all over again... yah right!
13. Have a kid, a house and the whole nine yards...

some good things never last...






I know I would go through this and I think it's healthy really. To reminisce and cherish the good times we have shared. It wasn't always bad. We shared some great moments. But life's greatest moments are always in songs... some good things never last... would be my theme for tonight.

Life has a funny way of jolting you. There are some if's and but's yet we keep on going the way we see fit until proven otherwise. I always thought we were a great team, great lovers, great friends. Until one day, I woke up and I didn't see the future in his eyes anymore, and I searched and I searched and I searched... until the depth choked me and drowned me and almost killed me.

I am not quite sure how he feels right now. THat for me is the saddest part. He have managed to bury himself beyond those brick walls he is so good i building around him to protect him.

I know I will survive this and of course he will as well. But we will never be the same individuals after being together for seven years. We have grown, we have grown apart but nevertheless we have acquired the knowledge of each other's strength and weaknesses. We became one and now divided. We wil never be the same again.

It's excruciating how I have managed to heal my pain... I've broken so many times that the scars overlapped and have learned to numb... I don't think I'm capable of feeling that way again or maybe I'm wrong.

Right now, I want to remember where we were during happier times....

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

trying out the AUDIOBLOGGER

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Moving on...

Friday: I went to my neuro-surgeon and discussed my neck condition and agreed on going for a month disability to fully rehabilitate my neck, went to work for a couple of hours, told my boss that I will be on disability for a month and might not come back. I gave them two weeks so they could look for my replacement and to take the new project I was given last week as far as I could take it for 2 weeks. They Immediately put an ad for a Project Manager and a Job Captain. I have always been replaced with more than one person and I do take pride that. I also called the guy that interviewed me first and he said that he wrote the Offer Letter and already sent it off and told me the contents. The wheels are turning... Then I spend a few hours with my friend Shelly who was just happy to see me with an improved sense of being. I also had an appointment with this lady who is writing a new book for McGraw-Hill and she wanted to interview me...and I realized --- I'm going to get published!!!

I am truly blessed, the minute I got out of my rot, wonderful things started happening. I am one lucky bitch...

The night was not as exciting, so I just walked to the store and both some bubble bath and I went and played music, light some candle, open a bottle of wine and relaxed my aching soul and thank God for a renewed sense of self, for the strength to get out of the mode of death and feel alive again....

Saturday: got up early, painted a new one entitled "Ode to Picasso while breaking FREE" --- at least that was the working title... I was reading this book that compares Picasso and Matisse and it was on my bedside table and everytime I open my eyes, I see this Picasso piece and inspired me to paint that morning. I also were on the phone with my Mother for about 2 hours and we were having a semi-healthy discussion/ argument/ reconciliation... or whatever anyone wants to call it. I pretty much said things I've been holding for awhile and she did to, now whether we got each other or not, we at least know that we love each other no matter what. In the end of the phone call, I realized how much I resemble her in so many ways... in good ways! After that --- off to Chi's place to head down to the Spinning and Yoga class we were suppose to be doing regularly... A movie and some shopping then off to go dancing at the Standard!

Sunday: Devoted to family, ate yummilicious home/Mom cooked Pinoy meals, practiced our belly dancing moves, another movie, more movie,played with Dynn.

Very, very healthy weekend... oh! and happy!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

no judgements please...

I told one of my friends briefly what was going on. See she is very religious and true to her faith and beliefs and I love her to pieces but when she heard what I was up to. She did make a judgement that I shouldn't be doing that cause that was wrong.

Maybe it was but I finally felt my blood flowing again. Who's to say how one should live? I tried to do the right thing for a long time and where did it get me? It buried me alive and killed all my motivation.

I told her, if you love me as your dear friend, you will not judge me in any way shape or form. She insisted on praying for my salvation and I gave her that. I still think that was judging, I felt judged! I know God does not want me miserable either.

So, please no JUDGEMENT!

someone's MUSE

Changes are happening so fast and I feel good about it. It's good to finally love myself. I did before and then somewhere I got distracted and loved somebody more... but now... now! I AM the number one priority of ME. That just sounded selfish and I don't care if it does. I always know what I wanted and always knew how to get it and I thought I lost that... but now... now! I know I have it back!

Anyway, it always feelS good to be somebody's MUSE... No pressure... No commitments... just musing!

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

new life

I always believed that ones life can be manipulated however one desire to. I got a little side track by a lot of emotional and financial shit the last few months but now that I have decided that I want to be happy again, I am finally seeing the light.

The mad rush to send out my resume got a couple responses already and went to a marathon interview yesterday for two different positions in one big corporation. It was interesting because I always resisted the corporate environment believing my anti-corporate-crap and not succumbing to it's calls at all. I was there from 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. and was very confident and liking my new found outlook in life. I did well on the first interview for a Design position. The head of Design really loved my portfolio and was too happy that I didn't look like a geek. I looked sharp with my pinstripe suit and LV briefcase! He gave me a tour of the office and started introducing me to people already. I though to myself --- that's a damn good sign! --- We went back to the conference room and he called for the head of HR. She was in a meeting but she still came down and shook hands with me. We discussed salary briefly and he didn't blink and told me I should get the offer letter from the mail very soon.

As I was walking out of the conference room, my phone rang and it was the head of Tenant Coordination. He asked if I had time for a phone interview and I said, I am actually still in the building. He said, perfect... wait for me in the lobby and I'll bring you up to my office for an interview. Of course, I didn't hesitate... He liked me as well and he asked me "did you really want to join our corporation?" - I said "of course" --- so he said "let me talk to the head of Design and let him make his offer, if you did not reach an agreement with him, that's when I make my offer - I won't let a talent like you get away from joining this corporation - you will be a great asset" ---- I was beaming... it will be a win-win situation for me either way! The other position is more managerial which means mo' money - mo' money! Yey!

Anyway, the best thing is it's 3 blocks from my house and I could literally walk and save gas money!

I am about to start my life with a big bang! Can't really blog about the other events just yet!!!

Sunday, June 06, 2004

weekend over yet?

This is the first time in a long time that I wish the weekend is over. I usually prolong my weekends and wish it was still longer. In the beginning, because I wanted Gene and I to go places and lately because I was just too depressed to do anything and hated going back to work.

Almost everyone's been very supportive during my depression and severe lack of motivation and I promised myself more than anybody that one day I will wake up and decide I had enough of that and move on and find a new reason to be ME again. The ME that I love and the ME that everyone have fun with.

I guess I hit rock bottom the previous weekend and despite the Sylvia Plath readings and my previous attempts at ending it all, I didn't explore that thought even. This made me realized that I have matured indeed. That something did happen at 30 and it is a REAL MILESTONE AGE! It was just a few days off in my mental/psychological calendar.

Something clicked and it clicked in several different areas in my life. I can't really talk about it much yet for fear of ruining the moment. All I know is I finally found the answer to the question "what am I doing in my life?" *pissed off and screaming*... I am the only one who have the power to change that. I am blessed with so many things that I have been failing to see because of the black veil that covered my vision for so long. One chapter is about over and another one is about to begin and I am quivering in anticipation to get it started. I want to be happy again and I will do what ever it takes to be happy.

Last Friday night... There was a revelation within me and it awakened certain repressed segments in my being and it feels great to feel ALIVE again.

Today, somebody threatened to kill it once more but the revelation was too strong to let my blood sleep again.

Chi is right.... there is a song for it...

bring me to life
by: evanescence

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb
without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before I come undone
save me from the nothing I've become

now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before I come undone
save me from the nothing I've become
bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

Saturday, June 05, 2004

the sun is rising...

and a new dawn begins...
this is an awakening...
a new beginning...
of new found freedom...
and tomorrow's possibilities...

Thursday, June 03, 2004

quicksand

I finally did it! I finally sent out resumes all over the place... well, areas not too far from home unlike where I work now. I sent out resumes to different positions that are not too far from what I do but would lead to a different career path. I still applied for the same position as the one I have but I made sure I checked the firm's website if they do work that would interest me. We'll see what happens. I am keeping my fingers crossed. For all I know none of them would respond but it comforts me to know that I am making baby steps to get out of the rot I'm in.

I have also mailed out my eligibility form for taking the licensure exams for architecture. That's a huge step... for years I had those forms ready to go but I always find an excuse to no send it out.

I know I complain alot and for a few months I have managed to bury myself in absolute tyranny. But I have always been a fighter, a survivor and I always knew what I wanted out of life. It doesn't take long for me to take a good look at any situation until I say "Wait a f^@*!n' minute... something is wrong with this picture!"

I am not completely out of my quicksand but I have found a branch to hold on to and help me not to completely sink and get buried alive...

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

uuuuuhhhhgggg

can't f%$*!ng sleep again!!!

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

weekend stuff...

Every Memorial Day is movie day for me and Gene usually, except when we go to a friends BBQ Party which is not often (2 out of 7, I think).

My in-laws was suppose to come next weekend and I was planning to go to the beach with my 2 sisters and my niece but --- the in-laws take precedence, of course. Specially since we don't see them often.

We had lunch over at Gene's brother's house and then saw Troy during matinee at the Bridge. It's been years since I read Iliad and I do see movies solely for entertainment value, so I didn't have anything bad to say about the movie. It was fascinating how attractive these people are. I have a renewed respect to Brad Pitt. My favorite scene was when he leaped and killed that giant in the early parts of the movie. Oh, and I have to say --- even in ancient times --- people do stupid things for love.
Why? Why? Why?

On another note...
Gene might start playing guitar for a church service. We'll see. We went last Sunday to see the service and for him to try playing with them. It went well and they like his playing of course and the service was good for the soul. It's been so long since we went to church. We'll see what happens. I want Gene to lead this one. We both need it and we need to do it together. But all my past attempts went nowhere. His Mom has been praying for this and even our Pastor before told him that it would be good if he could play for church. Give back with what God gave him. We'll see...

Life of Mediocrity

It was a long weekend because of Memorial Day and I should have been refreshed. But I came to several self realizations about myself and the verdict --- I am a mediocre person, living a mediocre life.

My mediocrity overwhelmed me with much self abandonment over its melancholic veracity.

How did I come up with this?

Over the weekend, I was somewhere where I had commitments to continue some work for the one person whose opinion of me and my work is most valued. In fact, it was the only opinion that mattered to me since I usually hold an "I don't care" attitude against what everybody thinks of my work. I don't believe I have produced a painting where this person said "great work", it's always "it's missing something" or "shouldn't it look like this or that" or "is that finish?" and I could go on and on with all the derogatory remarks I most often hear from her. But I love her dearly and I know she loves me dearly as well. Although, we have had several huge fights because certain times, I just wanted an "A" for effort, nevermind that she didn't really like it.

See, I treat painting as a release. A release from all the toxins this society inject us with. I don't have a method or a technique and I never studied painting for it will influence the reckless abandon I so humbly give it. In effect, my work is down and dirty but true to its roots and emotionally striking. They are not pretty or finished or within the line. Whenever I am asked to give an art lesson or lecture. I always tell my listeners to simply "close their eyes" and let their hearts lead their hands and let the paint flow freely from that and when they open their eyes, they will see what's within and not what society teach them to be right and beautiful. This whole subject warrants it's own discussion in my head, so let me go back to mediocrity as my subject...

I wasn't sure if I should journal what occurred for I was afraid that someone I so dearly referred to would read it and get absolutely acrimonious to how I discuss her but as I mentioned earlier, I have abandoned all logic and is faithfully waiting for a milestone journey of sorts...

In fatiguely performing the duties I had to because of prior commitments. My worked was mocked and criticized over and over and I took upon it heavily and responded with severe aggression. I begged for some compliments, for some appreciation, for some understanding... It amounted to an argument that would have ended up uglier if it wasn't for her mellowing down and walking away from it. Tears flowed and I wanted so much to leave my work undone and disappear forever but I know I shouldn't and I just kept with it. At a stopping point, I called the one person I emotionally depend to in times like this and I remembered that I shouldn't have after my initial teary hello. I vehemently got the disappointment as I suspected and realized that I am ALONE in this. I went back to work, at least to what my aching body could handle and at each stroke of the plaster palette, I stare at mediocrity at its finest. And I looked back to my work in both art and architecture, areas in my life I looked at with such revering glory. Was I kidding myself? How can I possibly think I was any good at it? I have no proof of how good I was, or do I? And tears flowed more rapidly like river of salt.

This is where I am because I wasn't really as good as I made myself believe all this years. This is where I was because I was as ordinary as the person I avoided. This is where I was because I lied even to myself and the lie was so good I believed it. She was right! This is where I was because of all the wrong choices that was born out of ideals that was stupid and childish. This is where I was and there might be no other place but here...

It was painful and it was real... All the poetry I wrote and all the canvas I painted and all the structures I drew were nothing but mediocre substance of an undying person who would not vanish from shear exhaustion. I was doomed! Even this stupid effort of a blog was mediocre as I was told... Who cares? I need an outlet and all those mediocre things I do are nothing but outlets of a fragmenting mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical state. I wanted a record of my agony in all shapes and forms.


---And I sat down in the car with the visiting in-laws yesterday...
I stared out of the window, my hair flying in all directions and the mother of the other commanded with much virtuosity "stop thinking SAD thoughts" and I gave her a faint smile. A smile that said it all, the lost glimmer in my eyes that once were, she knew why it was gone. She knew that the one driving the filthy car where we all sat heading into the movie theater, has a lot to do with how it slowly vanished...

---After the movie, we saw an old acquaintance who I thought would be one of my greatest friends. I painted with her on the beach while staring dreamily on the Pacific Ocean sharing grandeur thoughts, using ocean water to dilute my colors and give it texture... I said hi and made small talk without hesitation even if I can see their own kind of reservation and gazing on the other's direction. I was reprimanded by the other with this and rubbed it on that she was never a friend to me, that they just used me and took what they could... And this was true, sad but true... In anger and despair, another reality hit me. This is why I wasn't able to build new friendships...

My agony will always be misunderstood. No one relates to my stupid notions of what love is and how far you should go and the insatiable thirst of recognition from mother and all my malady of sorts with these subjects. My neverending desire to be an artist, my dying desire in architecture and my obscure notions of perfection.

My saga... My drama... My life of mediocrity...