Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Vicious Cycle of Insanity

When I was younger, I use to laugh at women who blames PMS for their psychopathic nature during and around their menstrual period. Now, I can't laugh no more because I finally realized what the hell is wrong with me!

Every so often, I feel blue! Depressed and full of anxiety... even suicidal at times. Every minute negative feeling is amplified like a hideous monster in front of me. I cry a lot not knowing why. I find reasons to get upset and withdraw from normality.

By no means am I normal in every sense of the word. But, behold when hormones boil... I am unredeemable from my own biased sorrows...

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. This was after a few calls to 911 by co-workers who can't figure what to do with me when my pain starts. I can't stand up and walk straight, and my whole body trembles with debilitating pain. Coupled with insuppressible depression. To control the pain from endo, I had to take the pills but when I do - it makes my period less painful but it gives me major migraines. Now, if I have to choose the lesser evil. I'd take the endo pain which lasts about 2-4 days, a week the most but it only occurs once a month, while the migraine happens at least 3 major times a month lasting 4-5 days straight and all the migraine medicine I've tried so far have made me fall asleep.

I've been noticing that before the pain starts, I go through this insanity and psychopathic tendencies. One doctor wanted me to take mood altering drugs but I refused to be legally drugged everyday of my life. I have happy moments. I don't need to be artificially happy all the time. It's enough that I become dependent on pain pills when the physical pain becomes unbearable.

Happiness is but fleeting and so is any other emotions for that matter, be it positive or negative.

I just worry that this vicious cycle never stops....