Thursday, May 06, 2004

LOST in the City of Lost Angels

Through the years I have become more sensitive, envious and jealous. The once care-free, fun-loving, no-holds-barred, happy-go-lucky person that I was, is gone! I try to look for her once in awhile, I know she's hiding in me somewhere. The glitter in my eyes that was so apparent when people look at me is now hazy with doubt and guilt at the same time. My once uninhibited demeanor is now calculated. These are facts very hard to admit to. But I find myself looking at others and asking why am I in the predicaments I am at and they seem happy.

What is happiness anyway? A euphoric state of mind, temporal in nature, yet everyone's everyday goal...

The few people I call friends are distant and indifferent. The one's near by are more distant and apathetic mostly. Shrouded with cynicism and confusion.

I am more conscious now than ever before of what people think and react, which in my early years would be laughable, really! What happened to my "I DON'T FUCKING CARE!" attitude towards life and people in general. When did I start caring if people accept me or not? When did I start looking at the mirror and not liking what I see? When...? When...? When...?

When I discuss such concerns to my other half, he simply would say - "L.A. would do that to the strongest of human being." What does that mean? What can L.A. or simply a place do to a person that could turn you in some disgusting-green-eyed-dwarf of what was suppose to be human? This is insanity.

I use to know what I want and better still, I use to know how to get it. Now, I feel like a sorry loser who cannot answer what I would need tomorrow. I never left anything to chance and now, I am floating in space hoping someone would rescue me. All my dreams are on a standstill, in infinite retribution, unsalvagable from the unknown.

Yesterday, in an office get-together for "Cinco De Mayo" --- I yearned to be a part of them, like I always was... but instead, I felt left out... I even made an effort by cooking chicken adobo for the afternoon's potluck with margaritas and cerveza. As if it was not obvious enough, even my food got left out. At least we'll have more food at home. There was no conversation I was let to join in. It was nothing short of miserable realization of how I don't belong...

I am thankful to God still, for giving me sisters who will never judge me, no matter what. What will i do without them?

These are days I wish I don't exist. It's not good to feel LOST. Lost in the land of opportunity. In the land of milk and honey. In the land of other Lost Angeles...