Monday, March 01, 2004

this was the e-mail i sent to my husband... my cry for help ... i sent it last 02-11-04

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2004 10:58 AM
Subject: attempting to communicate...

Dear husband,

It has come to a point again that we are not communicating well and that I have to resort to e-mail to get my message across.

Last night I was expecting for us to celebrate the sale of OUR art walls. Have a nice dinner and then write OUR bills TOGETHER. Of course, as always it didn't happen like that because YOU had to do YOUR business.

For a long time now, I have been frustrated about how things are going. I always believed people get married so they could share their lives together and share the responsibilities of life. Two people sharing ONE life. Having a 50%-50% share of what it takes to survive. Our marriage is not like that at all. It's always been lopsided. I was okay with it for a long time but lately, seven years down the road, I am beginning to question the whole anatomy of our marriage. I look back and review it and everytime we take a step forward we fall back 2 steps behind. This is really depressing. As hardworking as I am, I have goals and dreams and I do want it all. A husband, a house, kids. I was not expecting to be seven years into the first goal to not even be near the second one. Put yourself in my shoes, if you were the breadwinner and I was a housewife, you will be expecting alot from me. You expect alot from me right now. How come I am not suppose to expect anything from you? How come you expect me to carry all this load? You don't even have an idea how I experience pain every night stressing out how to get more money in every possible way. I want to be taken care of by my husband in all possible way a wife could be taken care of. We are getting older faster and our progress in life is slower than ever. There are hundreds of musicians out there, mediocre compared to your talents and yet they are making a living. You can't even make enough to take care of your own needs like YOUR car! When we get extra money like last night, my first thought is to pay OUR obligations, OUR bills, to buy OUR food, while your first thought is YOUR car needs this and needs that. I have not had an oil change for my car since September! I didn't even say, don't get your car fix, I allowed a budget for it and you have the nerve to tell me about eating lunch and paying consultants!
You better have a long look at yourself on the mirror and decide where your life is going because you are losing me faster than you can drive your car. I should not be yelled at by you on how I spend my own paycheck, specially when 90% of it goes to pay all OUR bills! Most wives have their own bank account for their paychecks and is not being questioned by their husbands on how they spend it.

I am sick and tired of all this! I want things to change. I want to be taken care of like I deserve to be. I want a better life. I work hard for it and you should too! I need to be treated better not just with affection but with respect. You want me to respect you but you do not respect the fact that I am the one providing. For you, my money is our money and your money is YOUR money. You better begin really appreciating the fact that I am working for US. I don't nag you to get a job everyday until you question where the money goes. Where else? BILLS! Even if you live by yourself, you would have to contend with surviving, what gives you the right to put all that on my shoulder.

Gene, when will you recognize the need to be responsible for your own life? You are not getting any younger. Don't keep pushing me to make a step we would both regret. I have my limits too and you are testing the extent of those limits. I am about to break.

If you really love me and if you really want to stay together, you will do something about it. You won't let this issues drag like this for as long as it has.

your wife who loves you...