Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I am pretty sure my friends are tired of hearing my never ending saga about my marriage. I know this because I am tired of hearing my self say the same complaints year after year. So, one might ask "why are you still with him?" ... and like I always answer "coz I love the bastard!" And yes - I admit it is a pattern and do I want to get out of that vicious circle? My intelligent half answers YES and my emotional side answers a compounding NO.

I had the best sleep for the past months or so last night and all because his arms were wrapped around me. It gave me a sense of security - even if it was a false one and even if I know that it would vanish once I actually open my eyes and step back to the real world again.

Just the other day, I was so determined for him to leave and give me my freedom but just like all the other times in the past --- it was an even louder cry for help! Cry that screams - "hold me and don't let go". I know... I know --- it's cheezy. What can I say? That is how I feel and I am not ashamed to say it.

We are all great in giving an advice to our girlfriends about damping a guy. I am one of those who would tell my girlfriend -"You are SO better off without him" or "He SO does not deserve you" - all easier said than done. Who knows what actually goes on inside the lives of two people. We only say what is convenient to say and we leave out details that are kind of embarassing or the ones that doesn't show us as martyrs. We are all white liars in our own rights!

I am not saying that my dear husband is really not a jerk. Because he IS! A BIG JERK! But whose to say that I am not a BITCH? That's why people watch those stupid reality shows because everyone is curious of everybody else's own business. Of course theknowledge of having a camera present alters once real reactions.

Human nature is human nature and that's what makes life so colorful and hard and amazing and intriguing and fascinating and frustrating and... and... and...

If life was any simple... if life was black and white... if life was so predictable - we would all be bored to death!